I wake up next to my wife with joy every morning, but become sad when I lose a DotA match. Pride swells in my heart when I say no to the second cup of rice, but quickly lose control when grabbing another fistful of sweets from my chocolate jar. It’s like I’m pregnant. The mood swings are becoming ridiculous.
Re-reading Thomas Harris’ thriller Red Dragon (set before Silence of the Lambs) for the nth time produced a depressing, slightly upset stomach-inducing feelings I was ill-prepared to ingest. I haven’t been this engrossed in a book in a long while and the trauma/depravity experienced by the protagonist of the book bled into my ‘waking’ life, even after putting the book away.
Tuesday, I texted some friends and asked of possible gimmicks and places/events to enjoy. The usual homebody that I am, my friends were kind enough to text back but no real plans came off it. I told them I was dead bored, but that wasn’t entirely accurate. It was extreme dismay at my situation brought about by… well, nothing. I was dismayed because of nothing.
Wednesday, I was reading some online comic and eating a whole bar of Hershey’s Cookies and Cream, (which I relished with all delight) when a thought came into my head – “I have the best life -- EVER!!!” Nothing major in my life changed to vanquish yesterday’s dismay – the chocolate and the comic made all the difference.
THAT made me stand up and question – why am I being so unusually vulnerable to things happening around me? I’m usually a hard person to affect – makapal ang balat ko eh. The common criticism is that I am insensitive – not a sissy boy swayed by emotions. Where is my usual steadfast joy, the peace that comes from the security of being a disciple of the Master of the Universe?
That’s when it hit me – I am, like all humans, an amphibian. I am both body and soul, physical and spiritual. And even though my wife and I pray together every night, when was the last time this month – this quarter, actually -- that I sat down and opened my bible? With the starving diet that I have subjected my soul to God’s Word, is it any wonder why my will is being dominated by my earthly body? How can I quench my eternal thirst if I turn away from the everlasting water? How will I recognize joy that knows no bounds if I am starving my eternal spirit?
Garbage in, garbage out. It took me a while to remember, but yes, it is so obvious after all – how can I not be dominated by earthly pulls and concerns when it is all that I know? If I want a grander vision, I would have to tear my eyes from the TV/PC and raise my head to the Son.
So I guess I’d download that new e-sword installer and come back to my devotions. I’m hardcore after all. I’d really rather be the “sissy-boy emotional” when I’m on my knees to my God, not when I’m eating chocolate – no matter how good it is.
* image from Shutterstock.com